*ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR PRESIDENT*

"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben) 05/11/2016 at 10:48 • Filed to: None

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I’m proud to announce that the First Lady and I will be representing our fair country at a taping of SNL on Saturday, May 21st. Fred Armisten is hosting. Yes, being the president is dope. That is all for now.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 10:57

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All units, Turd Ferguson is on the move.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 10:57

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I thought this was a dictatorship? How are you president, there wasn’t a vote,

Your boy, BJR > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 05/11/2016 at 10:58

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There was a vote. I won.

Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 10:58

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

EL_ULY > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 10:59

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Bill Hader will be pleased to see his doppelganger

Your boy, BJR > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 10:59

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GTFO I won

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/the-votes-have…

TheHondaBro > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:00

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You cheated.

Your boy, BJR > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:01

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Those are FALSE. ALLEGATIONS.

Your boy, BJR > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:02

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I cheated??? YOUR NAME WAS ON THE BALLOT TWICE!!!!

TheHondaBro > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:03

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The people love me enough to put my name twice on the ballot.

Party-vi > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:03

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Fred Armisten blows ass. That is all for now.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:04

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Ok, some how I completely missed the vote. Either way I still maintain that this is a dictatorship and you’re merely a puppet, propped up so we think we have control. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:04

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In a rigged election that didn’t bar people from voting multiple times. For all I know, you voted hundreds of times for yourself. I do not recognize the legitimacy of that ballot because there is absolutely no way to guarantee its results.

TheHondaBro > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:04

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If you’re elected, I’ll be your Secretary Of Good Mexican Food (a.k.a. BURRITO)

Your boy, BJR > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:06

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And the people love me enough to vote for me 1,400 times. Correct me if I'm wrong but you were in the lead until like 2hours before closing right, when I had 666 votes. How the hell could I have more than doubled my votes in just 2 hours?

Xyl0c41n3 > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:06

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I’m willing to re-evaluate having you be my running mate versus my cat, Enzo. If we team up against this rabble-rouser, Rolland, we can reign supreme over all of Oppo win this together. Imagine what we could accomplish with a taco-burrito alliance?!

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:06

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It would be a shame if something were to...happen...to the people opposing Dear Leader Rolland

TheHondaBro > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:07

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PushToStart > Party-vi 05/11/2016 at 11:07

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FUCKING THANK YOU. jesus that guy is annoying, can’t stand him at all. any time someone tells me to watch portlandia I die inside.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:07

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It would be a shame if something were to...happen...to the people opposing Dear Leader Rolland.

Sometimes people just...disappear

Your boy, BJR > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 05/11/2016 at 11:08

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Oh, I'm president for life, don't get me wrong. But I'm no puppet.

TheHondaBro > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 05/11/2016 at 11:08

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Speaking of which, don’t you have a V12 Merc that’s leaking coolant?

Your boy, BJR > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:09

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You’re just salty you missed throwing your name in the running. Because I’M SURE if YOU won that election you wouldn’t be complaining.

Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:09

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Simple... by voting for yourself multiple times.

We all know Oppo only has about 2,500 approved authors. I would wager that, of those people, only a couple hundred people are truly active, and of those , approximately 15 percent (maximum) would have given a shit about voting in the election (based on real voter data in real local/state/federal elections, which I’ve covered for about a decade now). Of that 15 percent, only a fraction would have voted for you, and the rest would have been split amongst the other candidates. There is no way more than half the authors of Oppo came out of the woodwork to vote, much less to vote for one candidate.

TheHondaBro > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:10

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Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:11

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I’m not salty at all. As a journalist, I believe in transparency. That election was fraudulent and should be forfeit.

Mercedes Streeter > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:11

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Bots, or just clicking the form over and over. Or someone made a bot to vote for you? Idk

I’m not even sure if 1,400 different people read Oppo in one night, so there definitely was some extreme duping of votes in that election.

Impeach! Impeach! lol

Xyl0c41n3 > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 05/11/2016 at 11:12

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Damn! That’s cold blooded, Jake!

Your boy, BJR > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:15

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Hondabro, I've always thought burritos are better than tacos. You like burritos? The best burritos are from the Rolland Tower Grille! I love Hispanics!

Your boy, BJR > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:16

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Transparency???? I fucking ran on the platform “we need more crime family values!!!!” Anyone claiming that I'm being non transparent obviously needs research more.

Your boy, BJR > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:19

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Yeah it’s a real shame what happened to the last journalist who poked their nose into my buisness. I was a perfectly polite host, answered all their questions, and sent them on their way. A few days later, they were found in the trunk of a burned out ‘98 Neon under the Pulaski Skyway. Real shame.

Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:21

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I don’t take kindly to threats, Rolland. And remember, your Jersey bravado doesn’t hold a candle to Texan grit.

Your boy, BJR > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:23

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That wasn't a threat, that was me warning a friend so nothing bad happens to them.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > TheHondaBro 05/11/2016 at 11:31

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It's not leaking anything currently! My accord is leaking oil though. I'm going to look a a 97 LS400 on Saturday !

Xyl0c41n3 > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2016 at 11:31

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No thanks. I don’t need friends like that. No matter how prettily a threat is dressed up, it’s still a threat.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > Xyl0c41n3 05/11/2016 at 11:49

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Texan grit has nothing on Minnesotan passive aggressiveness and cold, unfeeling morals. There's a lot of of lakes to go missing in up here...

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Party-vi 05/11/2016 at 11:56

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Whole snl cast blows ass

RallyWrench > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 05/11/2016 at 13:00

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I saw Fargo, that shit’s no joke.

RallyWrench > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 05/11/2016 at 13:01

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SNL hasn’t been good since approximately 1990.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > RallyWrench 05/11/2016 at 13:49

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I’ve always thought that if you put a body in a chipper it would be really tough to erase the DNA from the inside.

PushToStart > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 05/11/2016 at 13:56

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Armisen’s not on SNL anymore, but the current cast isn’t that bad... Cecily Strong, Colin Jost, Michael Che, and maybe Aidy Bryant will end up pretty big eventually. If Keenan Thompson ever decides to move out of SNL’s basement he might do ok too. Pete Davidson is alright also, but I think he should just focus on standup...

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > PushToStart 05/11/2016 at 14:16

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Weekend Update is still good. But I really like Mooney’s sketches especially that prank skit he did. I feel like he gets little time. Pete Davidson weekend update segments are comedic gold though. I really don’t know where the good writers went.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > RallyWrench 05/11/2016 at 14:16

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I want to say around early 00s when Will Ferrell left.

PushToStart > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 05/11/2016 at 15:38

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Oh yeah, forgot to mention Kyle Mooney, you’re right, he’s pretty good.

And yeah, Pete is really good on Weekend Update, but some of his other sketches he can come across as way under-rehearsed (which is always going to happen on SNL but it’s worse than typical imo) But his standup is good stuff.

Dusty Ventures > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 05/11/2016 at 20:07

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Not a puppet. More of a goat really...

Stef Schrader > Your boy, BJR 05/12/2016 at 11:45

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Yes, but where do you stand on the pork roll vs. Taylor Ham debate?

THE WORLD MUST KNOW

Your boy, BJR > Stef Schrader 05/12/2016 at 12:08

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I'm from central jersey, so I'm in the blended zone. Although I personally call it pork roll, I have nothing against calling it Taylor Ham.